The jokes
When you forget the pinata at the birthday party. The kids: "Aww man." But the emo kid just hung himself. Kids: "Yaaaaayyy." Parents: "Adjust, improvise, overcome, that is the way."
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and the devil?
The devil always has horns... not just around children.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Why did the chef go get the eggs? Because eggs are egg-tastic!
Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.
My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.
Why did the orphan go to church?
So he could call someone Father.
How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.
The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"
The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"
The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"
The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"
The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"
Yo mama so fat that when she walked past the TV, you missed three episodes of your favorite show.
Today I put the women’s rights book in the fantasy section of a library.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
You only need 1 nail to hang a painting!
Hairline so big people had to time travel to find the end of it.
What’s black and at the top of a stair case?
Stephen Hawking during a house fire.
Remember the name Ben Andrews.
Why can't orphans use iPhones?
They can't find the home button.
What did the taco say to the Sea Turtle? I like your shell!
Yo mama so fat, when she jumped, I didn’t laugh, but the floor cracked up.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.