The jokes

Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.

Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it.

What did the tree say when spring finally arrived?

"What a re-leaf."

When does Friday come before Thursday?

In the dictionary.

What did the boy say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.

I wish the grass in my yard was emo. It could just cut itself.

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.

(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)

Do you know why dinosaurs can't eat hyenas?

Because they're dead! The last thing they ate was some rock.

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

What's the difference between a Mexican and a Black person? One gets paid, the other got enslaved.

Why was 10 traumatized?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?

Your virginity.

How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?

The psychologist will thank you for coming.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

So, gender equality is the idea that a woman can do anything a man can, right? That they should be treated the same? So, therefore, if she swings on me, I could punch her into the Twin Towers because of gender equality. I love gender equality.

I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.

There’s no hope.