The jokes
What is the cheapest kind of meat?
Deer balls, two for under a buck!
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
What’s the hardest part of the vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
Yo mama's so poor, I knocked on the front door of her house and realized I was already outside in her backyard!
"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."
What did the skeleton say to Shrek?
"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."
Q: What's the difference between a folk singer and a 14" pizza?
A: The pizza can support a family of four.
Q. Why can't Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?
A. He can't get his wheelchair up the stairs.
Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.
While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."
So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"
Why is Ronan's forehead the size of Jupiter? Because he dropped the TV on his forehead. It also had rings.
Why is Jupiter's ring stuck in orbit? Because Ronan's forehead kept it stuck in orbit.
Snails are like sperm, slow and sloppy.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
Why will we never get hungry in the desert?
We have lots of sand-which's.
What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?
McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.
Why did Kayla go to the river when she was sad?
To drown herself.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts to do it.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts to do it.