The jokes
You are the joke.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the knucklehead's house...
Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
What did Allah say when he created the universe?
-Allahu akbar!!!
What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Just watched an upsetting video. Please retweet. #Stop The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?
Why is April the smartest month?
It can never be fooled.
Who is the smartest student in school?
The scholar.
Why didn't the skeleton follow his dreams? He was too gutless.
Why didn't the skeleton want to make art anymore?
He didn't have the heart to put into it.
What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
Anything can be funny with the right delivery, except for abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
My grandfather died at Auschwitz.
Poor fella fell off the guard tower.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
Why did the bat fall out of the tree?
It couldn’t hang in there.
Why didn’t the girl like stairs?
They were always up to something.
What goes up and down but stays in the same place?
Stairs.