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The jokes

So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."

He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

What's the difference between an Al Qaeda Base and a Pakistani School?

"I don't know man, I just fly the drones."

If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".

But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.

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    • I was eating my cereal while watching the news, then I saw my cereal on the news, saying he was a "serial" killer.

    I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"

    I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

    Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.

    Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"

    One dog said to the other dog, "Man, it is hard sleeping on the floor."

    The other said, "Really? I like my bed."

    What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.

    What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

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    • A rich man paid for a trip to space, but he couldn't go because the rocket was damaged. He received a refund and an apology.

    Yo mama is so ugly, even the ugliest person in the world looked like a sword standing next to her.