The jokes
Did you hear about the dyslexic cop? He jumped off his horse and blew his whistle!
What did the doc say to the skeleton? You're skele-a-ton.
What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?
You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.
Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!
A jumping cable walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"I will serve you, but don't start anything!"
The joke about is stupid.
It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
The crocodile just kept saying, "No!" He was in Da Nile!
Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?
I’d really like to meter.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? The Microsoft shutdown sound.
The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"
The sun is already bright, stupid!
If two people who have the clap sleep together, did they make an applause?
You are American when you walk to the bathroom. What are you when you are in there?
You're-a-peein'. European.
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"
Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"