The jokes
Suicide gives you security for the future.
Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.
What’s the difference a hooker an a drug dealer...?? A hooker can wash her crack an resell it.
Why are there no women in the NFL?
Commissioner Roger Goodell firmly believes in equal opportunity, so the girl tries out. Then, if she makes the team, we gangbang her to death. I mean, could you imagine what a scary birch she'd have to be?
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?
"Together we can stop this shit."
What comes next in the pattern, ottffs?
S, because it represents numbers going up: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
What comes next in the pattern: ottffs?
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.
Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired).
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?
... A FLATLINE!
How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?
There are speedos in the microwave.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To go to the moovies.
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.
Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"
Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"
After the shooting, people were asking why they would do it.
They wanted to stop but it turns out they were playing an online game.
Why didn't the sun get a job? Seriously, I have no idea why. Help me!
How Steven Hawking died: because he moved too much during the day and ran out of juice.
My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.
I went to the bathroom and into a stall to see a hole in the wall. It reminded me of "The Lickable Wallpaper" from "Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory." I jokingly started licking. Though, the carrot tasted musky and kinda wrinkly.
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"