The jokes
My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.
What did the fish say to the other fish?
"I want my life to be H2O-ver!"
A pedo is driving down a highway really slowly and gets stopped by the police. The officer asks why he was driving so slowly. The man answers, "I don't wake up the kids."
We are drunk at the party. There was an ass-ton of drunk girls there with me.
I would tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I can only think of the punchline.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!
I sat down to eat some ice cream. The next moment, I screamed!
Why did the chili blush?
Because it was so hot!
I left a chunk of ice outside during summer. That was the first time I heard icescream.
What did the ferret say after his family was questioned by police?
It's none of your business!
Why did the orphan cross the road? They thought they saw their mother.
What's the worst part about getting old?
Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!
What did the wind say to the palm tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job."
On which side does the chicken have the most feathers?
On the outer side. 😂😂
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
What did the airplane say to the paper plane? Why do you look like a wimp?
Did you hear about the race of the tomato and lettuce? Well, the lettuce was winning and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What does the Peanut Butter Baby say?
"Ah!"
My grandpa asked me to pass him his phone, but I passed him a calculator. He couldn't tell the difference.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.