The jokes
When I give you the signal, I want you to roll down your window and call the oncoming cyclist a prick.
Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.
We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.
Like a lot of people watching the Olympics, I'm wondering why black people don't just take over the earth.
I would like to remind all passengers that this is a no-smoking flight, although do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we've opened a window.
Dawn rises on the Serengeti, and she has no idea as to how she got there.
What is the plural of goose? Geese.
What is the plural of foot? Feet.
What is the plural of moose? Well, it ain't meese!
What’s up with the foot feet?
What is the plural of "goose"? "Geese."
What is the plural of moose? Well, it ant meese.
Well, it’s my first joke. Please forgive me if it’s bad.
That's the last time we park the TARDIS outside the portaloos at Glastonbury!
Thanks to an unfortunate typo, it's the most one-sided action movie ever.
Alen vs. Predator.
Tongue Trick Sex: The Movie.
Not coming soon!
It looks like a runner bean, only smaller.
From the makers of Mangeone...
I was Gandalf the Grey.
But now, after just three washes...
He turns, he shoots!
And that is a horrible end to the Grand National...
And Sterling has taken a dive.
That's all for financial news, back to the football.
How do you know when your vegetables are completely cooked?
The wheelchair rises to the top.
Yo mama is SO FAT... SO FUCKING FAT... That when she went on the bus, she wasn't allowed in. She asked why, and the driver pointed to the sign "Weight capacity of 50 people". The bus was empty.
She got mad and ate the bus!
Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.
So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"
A turtle was walking down the street when all of a sudden a snail came up to him and robbed him.
When the policemen showed up and asked him what happened, he responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"