The jokes
What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.
Gf: Babe, do you love me?
Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.
Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...
Bf: Exactly.
Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.
Why did the teacher get the death penalty? Because she gave an orphan homework. That's on period. #darkhumor
What’s a foot on one end, a foot on the other end, and a foot in the middle?
A meter stick.
Why did the fastest cat get kicked out of school?
He was a cheetah.
So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.
Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.
Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.
There's like a weird after taste though.
Kinda like a sparkling water one.
I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple actually gets picked.
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”
“Under my bench,” he replies.
English: It's the story of two potatoes, one gets mashed and the other screams “Oh mash!”
French: C’est l’histoire de deux pommes de terre. Une d’elles se fait écraser et l’autre s’écrie “Oh purée!”
Me and my stepmom went into the forest.
I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.
So, I was in school, and there was a number saying "696969," so I said to my mother, "What does it mean?" She said, "Your fucking dad and I!"
Boyfriend: Let's go to bed.
Girlfriend: No.
Boyfriend: Why?
Girlfriend: Because you want sex.
Boyfriend: No, I don't.
NEXT MINUTE
The man could hear banging.
Why didn't the wife want sex?
Because they were having too many babies.
Why did the wheel fall?
Because there were too many fat people on it.
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
Why can Michael Jackson not play chess? Because he can't pick which side he is on, the white or black side.
What do you call a group of depressed kids?
The suicide squad.
The depressed kid getting bullied.
The bully: "You are useless."
The depressed kid: "I know."
What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?
One stops sucking when you smack it.