The jokes

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I saw a kid crying in the corner of the room and I said, "Are you OK? Where are your parents?" and he started crying even more.

I love working in an orphanage.

Me: I broke me bum.

Dad: Oh, that is bad. I will get some Pooh in the toilet so I can heal your bum.

Oh, Mom, there is poop in the toilet still.

Mom: Oh, that was me and the dog.

Me: Wait, what????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Hi, I got fired. Oh, don't know which fire? Oh, the one that I got burned on, the volcano.

Why did the emu cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off. Yeah, I hate myself, man.

I lost $10,000, so I killed my piggy bank, so I get a real pig and money which my money is fake, but the janitor said it is real, so I killed myself and turned into a real human.

Attention to everyone, I'm not going to be on for 2 weeks because I was in a bike accident, or more like a motorcycle accident. I was ran off the road when my 16 year old brother was taking me for a ride. Now I can't use my legs cause, well, you know. I will be taking a break because I don't want to move my legs that much.

What's the difference between a redhead and an orangutan?

Some people adopt orangutans.

What did the farmer who lost his tractor say?

*waits 25 seconds*

"I lost my tractor!"

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.