The jokes

So in prep class, the students were asked to write a letter to their grandparents for Grandparents Day.

Little Johnny's friend, Little Sally, wrote things like, "Thank you," and, "You are so nice!" And Little Johnny goes, "What are you doing? You got it wrong!" So Sally says, "What do you mean? It's a letter." Little Johnny says, "Why did you do it like that? Just write a letter from the alphabet like the teacher said!" Then he says, "I wrote a J to remind them of me!"

What do Paul Walker and I have in common? Neither of us have seen Fast and the Furious 7.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."

What do you call a woman in a fighter jet to the right of the president?

An escort.

How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.

Genders are a lot like the Twin Towers.

There used to be two of them, now it's a sensitive subject.

Sorry, I don't have a joke here... Just wondering how idiots end up here complaining about offensive jokes when you ended up here. You had to click that section on purpose, right? If you can't take it, piss the fuck off... If I'd be gay and I'd look up gay jokes and get offended... how stupid is that?

Went to see a psychic the other day.

I knocked on the door, and she said, "Who is it?"

So I turned around and left.

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

What did the terrorist think to himself seconds before hitting the tower?

"Did I leave the stove on?"

What's the difference between an escaped prisoner and an orphan?

Only one is wanted.

Your mom is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.

The boyfriend says to the explosive dude: "You're the bomb!" The explosive dude says: "Wow, that was Whitty."

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

Why is the queen in chess the most powerful piece? Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

I made this one up myself just now.

Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

Where do mermaids get a job?

At the kelp wanted station.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"