SOS jokes

My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.

Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.

Yo mama so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."

All these jokes are so offensive, Mr. Hawking just won’t stand for it.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

Your forehead's so big that it has its own gravitational pull.

Yo mama's so fat that she doesn't need the internet because she is already worldwide.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.

Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.

I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut, so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.

Why do orphans go to church?

So they have someone to call father.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "One at a time, please."

Yo mama so fat, when she bought a fur coat a whole species went extinct.

Yo momma so fat, her belt size is E for Equator.

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.