Did you hear they made an Emo-Hipster pizza? It cuts itself, and you're supposed to eat it before its cool.
Man: How do you prepare your chicken? Waiter: Nothing special, we just tell them they’re going to die.
Why are astronauts forgetful? They're always spacing out.
Yea man! Life is wonderful! But, when u realise all of the ones u loved we're fake. And when you die, does your online friends notice? How will they notice? Or will they ever notice. Is 13 age too young for dying? Am i just paranoid? I'm scared.
some of the most convincing people you'll ever listen to are born liars; usually they're called politicians
You're so fat when people see you running they can't help but yell out "keep running"
You're the type of person to wash your hands after a shower
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romnticising their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.. Then you know they're faking depression🙂
If you know it, you know it
you're mama so fat she went by a TV and Miss eight episodes
What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive
We’re does the killer wale go to get its teeth don.
The orca Don test
Yo sis come here sis: what. Me: oh sorry you doing school sis: yup me can i go sis:no way you're going to hug me me: i love you
Why do musicians in New Orleans smell so good?
Because they're jasmine (jazz men)!
Bully: YOU ARE SO STOOPID Classmate: does nothing Bully: OI, IM TALKING TO YOU Classmate: Oh you're talking to me, I thought you were talking to yourself.
Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck.
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
grandfathers last words :Stop shaking the ladder you cunt Grandmother last words : you know how to use that hammer Dads last words : Always aim before you shoot that gun Moms last words :Turn of the stove when you're done My last thought : am I a murder
A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is. So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks 'What are you?', the baby bunny replies 'Well I'm a baby bunny. What are you?' the baby skunk says 'Well I don't know am I a baby bunny too?' the baby bunny says 'No you're not a baby bunny.' so the baby skunk asks 'Well what am I then?' the baby bunny replies 'Well you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white so you must be Mexican.'
An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins, Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice,"
Why are Americans so bad at Chess?
They're missing two towers.
