Off jokes

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

Teacher: What comes after C?

Me: Ooh! Ooh! C4!

Teacher: Umm, ok... but still what comes after A?

Me: AK47!!!

Teacher thought: Oh hell na.

Teacher: What comes after X?

Me: Xplosin.

1 second later, bomb goes off. Idk.

You are so ugly when your mum dropped you off at school, she got fined for littering.

Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale said: "OOOWWWWW!!!! Get off me, you overweight bucket of lard."

How did the man with a small penis become a rapist? His condom fell off.

So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.

"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"

If abortion is murder, is jerking off genocide?

My black friend turned off the lights and suddenly disappeared.

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

Is laughing a problem?

Laughing at what?

I want to jump.

Jump—what?

Jump off the hook.

You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a fine for littering.

One day Billy, Bob, and Doo Da went fishing in a small boat. None of them could swim, and they had no life jackets.

Doo Da suddenly started yelling, "I got one boys!" as he started trying to reel the fish in. It was way too large for him to get onto the boat, and he fell into the water. The fish had a nice meal that night. Billy and Bob were in shock but knew they had to tell Mrs. Doo Da.

Upon arriving at her house, they did rock, paper, scissors on who had to tell her the news. Bob lost. He slowly rang the doorbell, and Mrs. Doo Da answered. "U-uhm.. we...Doo D-Da..f-fish..." Bob stuttered, then he screamed and ran off. Billy went to go retrieve his friend. Billy had a nice little talk with him and slapped him across the face to get him to just say what happened. Soon, the two men returned to Mrs. Doo Da's house and rang the doorbell again. She opened the door and looked at the two men and asked, "I've been trying to call Doo Da, and he hasn't answered, is he ok?" Bob took a deep breath and took a step forward with a smile on his face. He sang, "We went fishing, guess who died, Doo Da, Doo Da. He smiled and he said good bye, we mourn Doo Da today."

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

When I saw a kid fall with no legs, I said, "Just walk it off!"

How do you get black kids to stop jumping off the bed?

You put Velcro on the ceiling.

How do you get the black kids down?

You invite the Mexicans over.

You're so ugly when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a fine for littering.

A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.

Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.

My great uncle died in a concentration camp.

He fell off one of the guard towers.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

Why do so many people get charged with rape? Because they are too stupid to finish her off and bury the body.