When Stephen Hawking was asked why he was instantly attracted to his new girlfriend, he said, "It's simple, she pushes all the right buttons."
Newness Jokes
This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.
An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"
His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.
He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"
"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"
"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."
New Orleans cuisine has always been my favorite; however, I only eat gumbo on oc-cajun.
A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.
Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. "Oh, this handles so well!" they exclaimed.
Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear-ended them. The passenger said to his partner, "You tell that man he's gonna pay every single cent 'cause we're going to sue him!"
So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said, "What do you want, wimp?" The gay said, "You just hit our new Pink Porsche, and we're gonna make you pay every single cent 'cause we're gonna sue you!"
The trucker said, "Oh yeah? Blow me!" The gay driver went "Ohhh!" and ran back. The gay partner asked him, "What did he say?" His fruitcake driver said, "Ohhh! It's wonderful, he wants to settle out of court!"
A man bought a brand new iPhone but returned it, why?
The apple was already bitten.
Your mum is so stupid, she tried to take the crown off a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster so that she could become the new queen of England.
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
What does a broken down vegetable say?
I need new wheels.
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
What did the atom say to the other atom?
"Did you see the new Tron movie?"
Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?
There is a small medium at large.
Your mama's so fat, scientists found a new planet called Heranus.
They have a new line of socks for paraplegics.
They are so comfortable they can't even feel them.
Why can't Sally swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock knock, "Who's there?", not Sally.
Where did Sally go when the bombs dropped?
Everywhere.
I invented a new word today.
Plagiarism.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
Neither has he.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
