Up and down memes

What's simultaneously up and down?

A retard on a plane.

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

What goes up and down but stays in the same place?

Stairs.