HI jokes
Stephen Hawking tried comedy.
His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."
Hey, did you know that Stephen Hawking predicted the end of the world?
Well, not really. He predicted the end of *his* world.
His name rhymes with walking and talking, but he can’t do either.
When Stephen Hawking was feeling hungry, he used to call in to his local PC World for a megabyte and some microchips.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
Stephen Hawking didn’t die naturally, his carer just forgot to put him on charge.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
Q: Why did frosty pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.
For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?
He blacks out.
What did the mentally retarded kid get on his test?
Drool.
Steven Hawking died. I said, "Why? Did his wheelchair break?"
Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.
Don't worry, Stephen Hawking isn't dead.
They have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a USB.
I met him once, but he wouldn’t give me his autograph!
What does Stephen King call his wife...
The black hole.
He's not dead, his batteries have run out.
He's not really dead, his update failed.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"