Hes jokes

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

I found Nemo.

He was tasty.

What happens to a cannibal who shows up late for dinner? He gets the cold shoulder.

Who reads the fastest?

The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.

*Loud explosion inside the tank*

"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.

Why did Paul Walker drown?

Because he was too busy carpooling.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

What did the mechanic say to the other mechanic when he broke the car?

"How will we wrench ourselves out of this?"

My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.

Why was Stephen Hawking disappointed when he got his Christmas present? It was singing lessons.

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

Once I had a cat. The cat liked human beverages.

One day I decided to throw a party. The cat went over to get some soda. There was a line. I told him that he needed to wait in line. The line was too long for the cat. Then he walked to the punch bowl. He saw that there was no punch line. Very much like this joke.

Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.

I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.