Hes jokes

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

My friend said I was gay, but then I realised he was talking to the mirror.

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.

One day I was saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, “Yeah, what gave me away?” I said, “His parents.”

Kenny was into incest until his mom died.

Now he's into necrophilia.

Why were the students jealous of the orphan?

He never had any homework!

(I'm going to hell for this)

Why was Mr. Bean on the River Thames?

He was rowing at Kingston.

Why did the wheels not move on his wheelchair?

Because he had no legs.

The pirate looked down the toilet, and what did he see?

The captain's log.

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.

The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.

That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

A guy walks up to a girl. He says, "Hey, you want a poker? I’ve got one."

Do you know why Daddy never comes back to get the milk? Because he’s the milkman.

You know Hitler loves you when he comes up to you on Valentine's Day and he says, "Will you be my Valenein?"

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

How to get rich:

Step 1: Tell an orphan he will get a family.

Step 2: Knock out the orphan.

Step 3: Cut open the orphan.

Step 4: Well there [are] organs.

Step 5: Do it again.

And nobody will call the cops 'cause they got no family.

My grandpa was amazing. He killed Hitler.

So this blind man was walking down the street with his stick, right? And he walked past this fish market, he took a deep breath and said, "WWOAAH GOODMORNING LADIES!"

My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?

My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...

Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.

*Everyone Looks at me*

A little kid was lost, and he asked me to find his home. I love working at the orphanage.