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Hes

Hes jokes

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

How to get rich:

Step 1: Tell an orphan he will get a family.

Step 2: Knock out the orphan.

Step 3: Cut open the orphan.

Step 4: Well there [are] organs.

Step 5: Do it again.

And nobody will call the cops 'cause they got no family.

So this blind man was walking down the street with his stick, right? And he walked past this fish market, he took a deep breath and said, "WWOAAH GOODMORNING LADIES!"

My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?

My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...

Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.

*Everyone Looks at me*

Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

Why does an orphan always get the newest iPhone?

Because so he does not have a home button.

Iran: We can beat the USA.

Japan: You do realize we beat him in Battleship, and he dropped the sun on us.

Iran: So?

Japan: Twice!

I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."

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    • My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

    I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

    One time my boyfriend and I were playing the tickle game and I tickled him on his thighs by accident, and I said, "Oh no, I am dead."

    Then he started tickling me on my thighs up to my vagina, and then I moaned while laughing and told him, "STOP, please."

    Then he said, "That's what I thought," and I was like, you cheated. He was like, "You first did it."

    So he went to the restroom and pulled down his pants. Then I jumped on him and pulled his dick five times, and he screamed, and I quickly ran out and laughed. Then he ran to me, and I screamed, and he started eating my pussy and fingering me while I said, "Okay, okay, stop."

    And he stopped and started sucking my boobs and giving me hickeys while I said, "Please stop," and then I pushed him off, and he turned me around and put his dick in my hole, and I said, "Owwwwwwww."

    Then he said, "Play with me, I'll fuck you up."

    I said, "Ughh," and slapped him.

    Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

    Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

    A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

    Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

    Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.

    So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

    A shop assistant is helping a little boy find his mum.

    "What's she like?" he asked the boy.

    "BIG COCKS AND VODKA!" said the boy.

    So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.