My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either sense 2005

When your girl is sucking your dick and chockes on it not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks

What do women and peanut butter haven in common? They’re both easy to spread

Haven’t they switched him of and then back on yet??

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Down syndromes smell of farts because as they are potatoes they haven’t got the legs to walk to the toilet and have a poo

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