My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either sense 2005

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

An old lady walks into an adoption centre and the lady that runs the business says “Oh, haven’t seen you in a long time!”

I wish my dad was home I haven’t seen him since the shot of 2008

How do poets say hello? Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

“Our all-transgender brigade has suffered heavy casualties!” “What? We haven’t even sent them to fight!” “They’ve already lost 30% of the unit!”

One day I was walking along the street and I found some caution tape… Just sitting there torn up… Beat up and you could barely unravel it anymore cause I would just burst into shreds… It kinda reminded me of what happened to my sisters killer… They still haven’t found him yet… I’m really good at hide and seek!

Why haven’t any women gone to the moon…?

A: It doesn’t need to be cleaned

When your girl is sucking your dick and chockes on it not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks

What do women and peanut butter haven in common? They’re both easy to spread

What did one plane say to the other?

It’s been a Long day, I’m ready to crash.

Other plane: No you’re not, we haven’t even gotten high yet!

jfk wife trying to grab his head be like him in haven why did i marrei her welp time for a devorsin

why cant you go home tonight because you havent got a home its moved

Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone, you ugly two-faced hypocrite.

Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I don’t like ugly peasants.

Man: Your hair colour is fabulous. Woman: I hate your hair colour, though.

Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, hypocrite!

Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Yes, I want you dead.

R.I.P

Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign? Woman: F*** you, pedophile!

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services for pedophiles.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down, you little peasant.

Man: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Every other woman I see looks ugly. Bleuch! Woman: How dare you!

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. I saw you playing with boxes in the store room and saying “I AM KING OF THE WORLD!”

Haven’t they switched him of and then back on yet??