What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
What do you call a man with 6.022 x 10^23 dollars?
A Moleionaire.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?
Their knees.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
