What do a girl and a bar have in common?
A- Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
Who do you call someone that steals his brother's girlfriend and [is] disowned by his whole family? Brandon.
If Canadians speak "English Eh?", do Americans speak "English B?"
What do you call a magic owl?
HOOdini
Why do pizzas not tell jokes?
They're too cheesy.
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you cannot helium, you have to curium. If you cannot curium, you have to barium!
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
Why do Asians don’t wear contacts? Cause they can’t fitt.
How did the carpenter do on his interview? He nailed it!
What do you call a dog magician?
Labracadabrador!
What do you call a bad "egg" meme?
Deep fried!
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
What do you call a blonde?
A piss-head.
How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?
You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
What do you call a moose that doesn't want to be known? Anonymoose.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear.
What do you get when you cross a cold wind with a feather?
A brrrrrrrr-d!
What country do French Fries come from? Grease.
What do you call someone with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
