Journal Entry of Despair

I know that no one will care but this is everything that i've written in my journal.

I've been told all of my life that all I do is ruin peoples lives and that all I am is a mistake and shit. I've been told I'm not good enough and that I have to kill myself to make everyone happier. Well guess what. I've fucking tried and tried so many times. I've been trying to keep fighting but what happens? I keep getting hurt. I've tried to stop caring, didn't help. I've stopped going to people for help cause all they say is that it'll get better and it hasn't. I'm so fucking done. Each time the blade goes deeper and deeper and no one asks if I'm okay. Not one motherfucking person. At school I have to pretend that I'm happy and that nothings wrong. At home I just stay in my room away from everyone so I don't get yelled at. All my friends think I'm okay. My teachers couldn't care less about me. When I try telling people how I'm feeling they just laugh in my face and say you're too young to be this sad. I cant even go to my friends cause I'm scared that they'll see me differently or they'll drop me and tell everyone my shit. Im fucking scared because I'm slowly losing everything, my friends, my family, my happiness, my sadness, my will to keep living. I'm fucking numb. What if everyone that I still have is faking it? What if they all actually hate me? What if he doesn't love me? What if they're just waiting for me to let my guard down to hurt me all over again? I want to stay but its getting progressively harder to because I'm fucking tired of this. I want to make it to see my best friends get married. The amount of times that I've skipped meals, cut myself, tried overdosing, everything. Its just pathetic and I'm fucking pissed that nothing has worked. I fucking hate myself. I hate my smile. I hate my laugh. I hate my voice. I hate my eyes. I hate my hair. I hate my ass. I hate my tits. I hate my stomach. I hate my body. I hate who I am. What if one day I just cut everyone off, stopped showing up to school, stop coming home, and just end it? No one would notice. No one would care. No one would look for a body. No one would even cry. They'd have a fucking party now that I'm gone. I've been called weird, ugly, annoying, stupid. I just want to love myself. Its always hate hate hate but why cant it just be love for once.

Sorry for sharing this but it kinda feels necessary...