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dose anyone else tare the haribo twin snake gummies n half and eat the better side first

lemme just tell you what happened. MY DAD BEAT MY ASS like as soon as i stepped through them doors it was over, it was like mf mcdonalds shut down or something like he was MAD, he was bringing out the hangers again and i wasn’t bouta get beat for the SECOND TIME IN ONE DAY so i was like “what did i do wrong now” AND HIS FAT ASS WAS LIKE “i got a email from your teacher about the math test you failed” i was like oh sh… Read more

GENESIS 40 Joseph Interprets Two Prisoners’ Dreams 1Some time after this, the cupbearer of the king of Egypt and his baker committed an offense against their lord the king of Egypt. 2And Pharaoh was angry with his two officers, the chief cupbearer and the chief baker, 3and he put them in custody in the house of the captain of the guard, in the prison where Joseph was confined. 4The captain of the guard appointed Jose… Read more

GENESIS 37 Joseph’s Dreams 1Jacob lived in the land of his father’s sojournings, in the land of Canaan. 2These are the generations of Jacob. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was pasturing the flock with his brothers. He was a boy with the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah, his father’s wives. And Joseph brought a bad report of them to their father. 3Now Israel loved Joseph more than any other of his sons, because he was th… Read more

GENESIS 32 Jacob Prepares to Meet Esau 1Jacob also went on his way, and the angels of God met him. 2When Jacob saw them, he said, “This is the camp of God!” So he named that place Mahanaim. 3Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau in the land of Seir, the country of Edom. 4He instructed them: “This is what you are to say to my lord Esau: ‘Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying with Laban and hav… Read more

GENESIS 28 1So Isaac called for Jacob and blessed him. Then he commanded him: “Do not marry a Canaanite woman. 2Go at once to Paddan Aram, to the house of your mother’s father Bethuel. Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of Laban, your mother’s brother. 3May God Almighty bless you and make you fruitful and increase your numbers until you become a community of peoples. 4May he give you and your de… Read more

You might think I'm crazy The way I've been cravin' If I put it quite plainly Just gimme them babies So, what you doing tonight? Better say, "Doin' you right" (yeah) Watchin' movies, but we ain't seen a thing tonight (yeah) I don't wanna keep you up (you up) But show me, can you keep it up? (It up) 'Cause then I'll have to keep you up Shit, maybe I'ma keep you up, boy I've been drinking coffee (I've been drinking cof… Read more

GENESIS 27 Jacob 1And it came to pass, that when Isaac was old, and his eyes were dim, so that he could not see, he called Esau his eldest son, and said unto him, My son: and he said unto him, Behold, here am I. 2And he said, Behold now, I am old, I know not the day of my death: 3now therefore take, I pray thee, thy weapons, thy quiver and thy bow, and go out to the field, and take me some venison; 4and make me savou… Read more

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUTq3z2Tm0M 0:32-0:54 Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs! Eat em’ up, Eat em’ up, Eat em’ up! Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s … Read more

GENESIS 24 Isaac and Rebekah 1Abraham was now very old, and the Lord had blessed him in every way. 2He said to the senior servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh. 3I want you to swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, 4but will go to my country … Read more

9 year old me: *happily enjoying hamburger* My mom : Eat less your gonna be insecure, im just looking out for you

GENESIS 18 The Three Visitors 1The Lord appeared to Abraham near the great trees of Mamre while he was sitting at the entrance to his tent in the heat of the day. 2Abraham looked up and saw three men standing nearby. When he saw them, he hurried from the entrance of his tent to meet them and bowed low to the ground. 3He said, “If I have found favor in your eyes, my lord, do not pass your servant by. 4Let a little wat… Read more

bro i kid you not- im laughing so hard

i was eating a tortilla right? then my cat does the littlel scratchy thing were it looks like theyre strechting on something but scrathing it at the same time- if yk yk,

it scared the shit out of me and i screamed "what the magical fuck"

...

*wheeeeezing*

You're so fat that when you got on the scales they said "I need your weight not your phone number" ​ ​ ​ You're so fat that an oragami crane has less folds than you. ​ ​ ​ You are so fat that when you wear a yellow raincoat people shout out "taxi" ​ ​ ​ You're so fat, the photo I took of you last christmas is still printing.

You're so fat that when you want to iron your pants, you have to go out to your driveway. ​ … Read more

I'll solve equations with my right hand and write names with my left. I'll take a potato chip... and eat it!