Why does shit come out your asshole? Cause fuck you that's why
Who disliked the rooster joke come out now
Have you seen the new movie "Constipated"?
No, it hasn't come out yet
A guy goes in to get some tests done, the doctor comes out and says "I got good news and bad news." The guy says "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says "The tests cam back positive, you got 2 weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin her."
A French, a German and an Italian make a race to who resists the most in a room full of flies. The French starts, which after a quarter of an hour comes out. Then goes the German, who comes out after an hour. Finally the Italian enters who comes out after five hours. The French: "But how did you do it?" The Italian: "I killed one." The German: "So what?" The Italian: "And then they were all busy for the funeral!"
son: yo dawg, tell me a story dad: yall motherfuckers aint gon believe dis shit, so there was dis fairy aight, she had wings, so she flys into a kfc, and comes out with wings, chicken wings. Also why did hawking try to walk across the road, his wheelchair only goes 1 mph so he got hit by a bus.
I was out ice fishing, and had no nibbles all morning. About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg." I said "Excuse,me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said." Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"
Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals, they are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit, they go in and the first man comes out with a peach, he is instructed to shove it in his ass and if he laughs he will be killed, he tries and dies, the second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same, when the two meet at the pearly gates the first man says, i had a peach, there fuzzy, you had a grape whats your excuse? "Well i was doing fine until I say jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple.
I just gotta come out and say it. I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining⛏ community.
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money bartender says you gotta do 3 task he takes the shot of Jack and the customer says what are the tasks he says the 1st one is but the 1st 1 is I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth and you gotta pull it he says all right what's the 2nd 1 he said I got a big old girl upstairs that aint had no loving in a long time you gotta make her smile he takes another shot of Jack he said all right what's the 3rd 1 he said you see that horse outside you gotta make him laugh and cry Guy goes upstairs goes out back comes out to the front comes back in the other customer said give him the jar The guy says I took care of that lady's tooth and I made that alligator smile well how'd you make the horse laugh he said easy i told him I had a bigger deck then him bartender says how did you make him cry he said easy I showed him
little jonny bad ass was sitting on a porch one day and a preacher was in the house little jonny bad ass had to use the bathroom so he bangs on the door saying mom i half to use the bathroomn his mom ses wait so little jonny bad ass sow a hat on the step he lookes around and pulls his pants down and shits in the hat well a few later the preacher comes out and ses i see u have my hat well little jonny bad ass ses ya i cout the wolds fasts berd the preacher ses well let me see him little jonny bad ass ses no i dont know well the preacher ses ill put my handes by the hat you lift and ill cach him well little jonny bad ass lifted the hat and the preacher clapt his handes and little jonny bad ass ses now see the bird don shit and ran.
A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender I m here to assassinate John Tucker. The bartender replies he’s in the restroom. The hit man goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour. The bartender asks him did u kill him? The hitman replies with a sad face “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour and when I asked him what’s taking him so long he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started”.
In Africa a koala and a kangaroo were very thirsty the kangaroo said that when they have no water they dig a hole and water comes out of it then the kangaroo digged and in 1 minute the koala said that is there any watering there now and the kangaroo said no and the koala had to wait for so many minutes and soon water came out of the the hole and then the koala jumped into the hole and drank water and the kangaroo wanted water too so he tried to pull out the koala but instead his tail got chopped off and then they never became friends again
37. After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting... "Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!" Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time".
38. An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
39. A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?" The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes!" "Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?" "Didn't know how fast you could walk".
40. A Husband and Wife at Custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife. Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?" Ex wife: "I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him." Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason." Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband. Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?" The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?"
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence. What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair." Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? What comes after 69? Mouthwash. What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!" Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough. —Pluto Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you." What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out." What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?" How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? "Beat it. We're closed." A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!" What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts." What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!" What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? "It's not what it looks like." How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!" What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
1. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!" 2. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." 3. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second." 4. Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?" Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations." Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average." Policeman: "About a gallon." 5. A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?" 6. My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year." 7. After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside. 8. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. 9. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!" I responded, "Inflation." 10. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
There were 5 people on an airplane. 1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world
The plane takes off, A good, solid 1 hour in, The pilot comes out and says "Ok guys, I have good news and bad news, Bad News is the plane is gonna crash, The good news is that I have 4 parachutes" The pilot says to his passengers, " Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes, People depend on me" Took a parachute and went out. The businessman stands up and says " Well I'm a businessman, I run companies" Took a parachute and went out The smartest person in the world stands up and says " I'm the smartest person in the world, No one is smarter than me" Took a parachute and went out Now the minister says to the school child " Well God has given me a good life, I want you to take the last parachute" and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says " Why are you smiling?!, We're about to die!!!!" and the school child says to the minister "Well actually not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag
