Canning jokes
If being sexy was a crime, you can call me......... a law-abiding citizen.
Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.
Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!
What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?
She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.
Your mama is so stupid she stayed up all night so she can get some sleep.
Me: Can I have your chair? 💺 You: Why? Me: For charity.
Opposite day be like in doors.
Figure: Finally, I can see.
Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.
Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.
Eyes: 😭
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be the dolphin, you can be the jellyfish.
Question: What is the BIG ADVANTAGE to going out on a date with a "Homeless Chic"?
Answer: After the date, you can "Drop Her Off" ANYWHERE!
What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?
Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.
There are perks to bringing an emo to the grocery store; you can get coupons by scanning their wrist.
If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.
I have a fish that can breakdance, but only for 20 seconds and only once.
Why can orphans only watch G-rated movies?
Because they have no parental guidance.
What can Miles Morales do that Spiderman can't?
Hug his parents.
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."
I like Christmas.
It’s the holiday where an old man breaks into people’s homes so he can give them toys! :) yaaaaay 😁
What's the difference between a Russian potato and a U.S. potato?
The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.
What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?
Finish a race.