Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.
Canning Jokes
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face...
One day, this dad and his son went to a basketball factory, and the son said, "I want to buy some balls." The dad said, "What for?" The son said, "So you can have some balls."
What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
What did A say to Y?
"You cannot be alpha like me." :)
Y said, "Why? (Y)"
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
Dad: Uh, yeah!
Son: Mom, Dad, what are you doing!
Parents: Sex!
Son: What?
Parents: Look, you can spectate!
A magician is driving, but then he "turns" into a driveway.
If you get this joke, you have no personality at all. Send all the help you can get:).
Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.
Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They drop a tin can down a flight of stairs and call them the sound that's made.
That one person who can never bring a smile to your face...
Until you push them down 3 flights of stairs.
Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?
Why?
So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.
What did the kid with cancer say? "Can-I see my mom one more time?"
Only a genius can say this.
I am stupid.
My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.
She said we can still be cousins.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
What's the only thing Mexicans can unwrap on Christmas? Tamales.
