Before jokes

Add joke

Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Why did the rapper take a bath before his concert?

To get his flow SQUEAKY CLEAN!

A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."

A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.

Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."

What are the last two words you say after sex before going to sleep?

"Goodnight, Mom!"

Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

"By god," the man exclaims, "I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself."

The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.

"Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Every day, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself."

The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.

"I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself."

The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.

The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.

At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.

"If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches," says the first man’s wife, "I always thought he was being ironic!"

"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches," says the second man’s wife, "I always thought he was being sarcastic!"

"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches," says the third man’s wife, "but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!"

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

An old man goes to church.

One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt, and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand, he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn-out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed in expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again, he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.

A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.

What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

Random couple after their first night:

Husband: It was very tasty. 🥵

Wife: Aww, thanks.

Husband: Does anyone had taste it before?

Wife: ☠️