Bargain jokes

James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.

What does a pregnant slave and a payless sale have in common?

Buy one, get one free.

I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.

What's the difference between a Demon and a Redhead?

The Demon at least has a trade offer.

Where do orphans shop?

Home Bargains.

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.

Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.

Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?

Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?

Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.

Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.

Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.

(5 seconds later)

Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.