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And jokes

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

Run, or something will come to you, and you will be afraid to tell it to stop following you.

What is the difference between a human and a magic car 🚗?

A magic car can fly, and a house 🏡 cannot fly.

In English class, the teacher says, "Kids, you need to say the alphabet. Okay, Sally, you first." Sally says, "Okay, a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher says, "Good job, Sally." Then the teacher called on four other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Little Johnny, say the alphabet." Little Johnny says, "b c e f g h i j k l m n o p s v w x y z." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, that's not right." Johnny says, "Oh, I forgot, u r a q t." The teacher says, "No, still not right, and thank you." Johnny says, "Oh, I’ll give you the d later." The class laughs and the teacher says, "Go to the office now."

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    • What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead kids?

    I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

    What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

    When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...

    A man in a wheelchair and his friend were walking down the street.

    Man in Wheelchair: *falls out of wheelchair*

    Friend: Are you okay?

    Man in Wheelchair: I can't feel my legs!

    If it is called a forehead, what happened to the five-head, six-head, and seven-head?

    Sometimes I have this incredible urge to grab a child from school and yell, "I'm you from the future!"

    So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."

    So I said, "Aquarius."

    And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."

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    • Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

    She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

    "S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

    They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

    "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

    "I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

    "Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

    "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

    "No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

    What has tree roots and what do I have for kids? What is the difference between a human and a used tire?

    Tree roots are under the tree, and used tires are under the Hummer.

    "Eeee, is a time for a tree night out to a tree. 🌲 I can fly to the earth day to day day one night type and a walk in and a tree."

    What is the difference between a tree 🌲 and a car 🚘?

    A car can drive, and a tree 🌳 cannot drive.