And jokes
What is the difference between a cow and me?
Nothing.
Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?
1 scent.
I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?
2 pears.
I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?
3 coppers.
I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?
4 Lincolns.
I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?
NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!
My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"
I saw a kid crying and I asked him, "Where are his parents?"
God, I love working at orphanages!
What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.
How are Tinder and orphans alike?
You swipe left till you find the one you like.
What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
The magician has a cunning array of stunts!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiance!
I saw this girl with blue hair and slapped her wrist and said, “NICE CUT G!”
If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.
The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
What is big and stupid?
The Titanic.
What's the difference Michael Jackson and a play station have in common...
They're both plastic and kids turn them on.
What's the difference between an orphan and a dog?
A dog gets adopted.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"
There is someone in my class named Henry Rocket Rueben, and he always says he rockets into my mom.