And jokes

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

God creates dog.

God: "You are man's best friend."

Dog: "That's pretty sexist."

God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"

Dog: "....."

God: "And chocolate kills you!"

Dog: "🐶"

Why do orphans hate hide and seek?

Their parents went to play hide and seek years ago.

What do British politics and transgender people have in common?

Both aren't what they used to be...

How do rappers greet each other?

With a high five and a mic drop!

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.

Trump and Biden didn’t get the memo.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.

The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

I asked Daveon if he ever considered trying something new, and he replied "why fix what ain't broke?"

Daveon is so straight, he thinks a straight line is the shortest distance between two points and nothing else.

I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom.

What do a small pair of underpants and a small dance room have in common?

No ballroom.

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

I arrived at a restaurant early and the manager said, "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I said, "I don’t mind," and he said, "OK. Take these trays to table 9."

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Why was the rapper always so confident?

Because he had a lot of rhyme and reason!