And jokes

What stands on the side of the road and needs a lot of money to buy?

Billboard, did you think I was gonna say street walker?

Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.

When someone throws something at your forehead, it stops moving and goes into orbit around your forehead.

Hello, This is Jimmy from Jimmy's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic! Your next loss is our next sauce! How many pizzas do you need?

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and the kid I kidnapped?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”

Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.

What's the difference between a dad and an Emo?

They both don't last a while.

I gave a blind kid a gun and said it was a blow dryer.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

Me: Want to play 911?

My little brother: What's that?

Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.

What’s the difference between candy and an orphan?

Candy is something everybody wants.

What is long, yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of orphans.

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

Violence isn't the answer. It's the question, and the answer is yes.

I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"

After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple actually got picked.