And jokes
Your mom is like a penny: two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants.
A customer came to me and asked for condoms for tiny dicks.
One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"
Me: I just came home from Africa, and guess what I saw.
Friend: I don't know.
Me: A black market.
Me: What is the difference between your mom and a mosquito?
Friend: Let me guess, they both suck you.
How do you tell if a blond is really stupid?
Put a scratch and sniff on a bleach pod.
What if plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we die, and turn into natural fertilizer which helps them?
I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.
"When someone asks for a dad joke and you send them to the orphan page."
JFK and Abraham Lincoln were terrible presidents. It's like their heads were empty.
What's the difference between herpes and my dad?
Herpes stays around.
Jesus has a twisted humor.
kittens cute cuddly and loveable oh yeah, I almost forgot, add razors that stick out [of] their feet.
What's big and black?
My balls.
What's the difference between an orphan and a criminal?
The criminal is wanted.
A man saw a kid on the road, and the man asked: "Where are your parents?" The boy: "..." The man left the adoption center.
EatDatPussy445, aka Deyione Scott-Wilson Eason, aka Bryant Turman Emerson Moreland, is a pedophile, and he is in Las Vegas right now. Go, go, go, catch him!
The other day, me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts. I was wearing a black top; she was wearing a stripy top. We were arguing about who was more creative when she asked me to prove that I am. I just said, "You buy your stripes, I make mine."
If you execute someone in ventricular fibrillation in the electric chair, will they come back to life once and then die?
Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.
“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”
“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”