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God loved you so much that He gave you one face and started clearing off a place for another.

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.

Q: If a cat says to a dog, "All dogs are liars," and the dog says to the cat, "All cats are liars," what does it mean?

A: It means cats and dogs can talk.

I'm ashamed to admit feeling proud of the rape joke I posted and what went on between me and your mum.

A woman went into her garden and danced in front of her vegetables.

The next morning, her corn didn’t grow, and the tomatoes didn’t blush or turn red, but the cucumbers grew four inches.

Why are school shootings branded “very American”?

1. They usually happen in the USA.

2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

  • 6

    • Why don't orphans like Russia and Germany?

    Because it's the Mother and Father Land.

    Why doesn't a Muslim girl like her dad and namaz?

    Because she has to get on her knees.

    So one time I had a dream where I was on a road trip and we drove a golf cart and a Susan, which I don’t know why the heck the name of the car was called a Susan.

    We went into this house and there was like a woman there and we went into this bathroom which looked like a public bathroom, which was so weird!

    What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

    Only one of them gets picked...

    A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.

  • 2

    • You tell your dad what one plus one is and he says five. You forgot that your dad's brain is on the floor.