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I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?

In an explosion.

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    • All school meeting introductions:

    Grade School: “Welcome Girls and Boys!”

    Middle School: “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome!”

    High School: “Fingerers and fingerees.”

    Back in ancient Greece, there was a Greek Skyrim, but instead of FUS ROH DAH, the main character said, "Me damnit, Ganymede, get the #10 lightning bolt, I hate it when Helios lets his kids drive!"

    If you don't get this, look up the story of Phaethon, and if you STILL don't get it, then you are dumb.

    A man is with his friend in a bar.

    The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

    Nervous, the man looks away.

    The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

    The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

    "Wait, wha..."

    "What?"

    What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

    When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking you.

    A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman then says, "Look, if I want a double, I'll ask for one."

    What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

    You can unscrew a light bulb.

    Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."

    How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

    They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

    What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?

    You punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.

    Top ten dog breeds:

    10. Dogs

    9. Are

    8. Beautiful

    7. Animals

    6. And

    5. Judgement

    3. Is

    2. Cruel

    1. Dachshund

    What’s the difference between a penis and a golf ball?

    A penis always goes in the hole.

    When you send your girl a dick pic, but she says it's small, so you text back and say:

    "Enjoy the little things."

    What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?

    A dead baby can't feed a family.