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And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

Did you hear about the dyslexic cop? He jumped off his horse and blew his whistle!

What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!

A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.

He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

  • 4

    • When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.

    A jumping cable walked into a bar and the bartender said,

    "I will serve you, but don't start anything!"

    What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.

    My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

  • 2

    • What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?

    One is Catholic and the other is a priest.

    My dad and I have been playing hide and seek.

    It's been 15 years and I still haven't found him.

    Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

    She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.

    Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders all over the windshield.

    A penis has a sad life.

    His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him up!