And jokes
So, Dora is having a sleepover with her cousin Diego at Dora's house. Later that night, Dora's mom hears someone screaming, "Go Diego go!" for at least a couple of minutes, and then it stops, and she goes back to sleep.
But then she hears the same thing a couple of minutes later, so she walks in and hears "Go Diego go!" She walks over to Diego's sleeping bag and looks, and it's empty, so she walks over to Dora's sleeping bag and looks in and sees Dora getting f
... by Diego and hears Dora saying, "Go Diego go!" while moaning.
I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."
A dog talks to another dog and says,
"Wow, you're a hot dog!"
What is the similarity between women and freezers?
We like to put our meat in them.
Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."
Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
I'll slit your throat and kick you in the gut till you die one time.
So, one day I walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. She starts to cry. My mom asks why she's crying, and I say I told her she was adopted and I was there for the adoption, and we have papers. It was all a lie. She is not adopted, and everything is fine.
Little Susie had gotten her first period. She told her mom, and they bought pads.
The next month, Susie's mom asked if she had her second one. Suzie said no, and her mom fainted!
Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?
Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!
Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?
Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!
Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?
Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.
Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
My boy is so distracted and the kids are doing great. I will be make $500000.
what's black and red and is a liquid?
my scars!
When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays Pumped Up Kicks.
A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”
I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.
For 20 seconds.
And only once... :(
I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO!" then ran off. I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
Shipmate: Captain, there’s an iceberg and we need to steer around it right now!
Captain: My momma didn’t raise no pussy. Either that iceberg is gonna move or I am.