Shower thoughts

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Having homosexual parents must be terrible

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage

What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

Condoms.

What’s the worst thing to do at a funeral

The corpse

What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?

A hoedown

What did the man who had sex with an instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?

Driving under the influencer.

Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.

God when terminally ill children beg him to heal them

God: No, I don’t want to

When Hellen Keller tries singing the national anthem at the Super Bowl

Aaaaaaaaaa Aaaaaaaaaa Aaaaaaaaaa

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.

The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water and beat the shit out of him every single day.

When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.

The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything, I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."

The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get and yet he won't speak!".

The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"

The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!".

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What’s the best part about sex with twenty eight year olds?

There are twenty of them.