Welcome to Dave’s orphanage. You make it, we take it.
Shower thoughts
What is the difference between a hipster and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
Why did Joe Biden pull out of the Afghanistan war?
Because it was over 18 years old.
Jesus tried solving the Rubik's cube,
but died on the cross.
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
When does a cub become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first brownie.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is usually a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad? Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters? A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood
Roses are red, don’t touch the toys, these are what the priests use to lure in the boys.
What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I suck.
I suck who?
Michael Jackson.
What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?
Fucks funny.
What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?
To put the wheelchair in the pot.
What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid?
One has a functioning neck.
I was walking down the street one day, and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and everything was half off. I didn't know back-to-school sales had started already!
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
I like my coffee like my women.
Amateur.
How do you disrespect an Asian?
Give them driving lessons.