What does Can do after eating its vegetables?
Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What is the difference between runners and my car?
My car is still running.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
How are Black people like communism?
Because they’ll never work, but some of them are willing to give it a shot.
What’s the difference between how you watch porn and I watch porn?
The windows we watch through.
Why do women hate having sex with midgets?
Because of their shortcomings.
what do you call a ice skating dwarf?
a midget spinner
The term "every 60 seconds" is so stupid.
You know Africans don’t get seconds.
What do you call a blowjob in Africa?
Breakfast.
How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?
That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!
Why the hell would I go to a shooting range when I could go to school and do it for free?
My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.
I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
What do orgasms and pulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
I used to believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.
Did you hear about the deaf guy's STI?
He got hearing aids.
What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.
A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?
The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.
The gay couple was still packing their shit.
What does gum in my d*ck have in common?
Both get chewed on by little kids.