Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
Shower thoughts
Who is Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney princess?
Sleeping Beauty.
Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate.
I got kicked out of flight school, so I decided to learn from the experienced pilots (Isis).
My mom smashed my Xbox, so I smashed her daughter. 😏
Why do emos suck at playing tic-tac-toe on their wrists?
Because when they win, they lose.
What do an emo girl and a blind girl have in common?
Black is their favorite color.
What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver!
Why do people in Alabama like peanut butter and jelly?
Because it's in bread.
What do KFC and a brothel have in common?
They’re both full of greasy chicks.
Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!
Why did the blonde stare at the Ford?
Because it said, "Focus."
What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?
“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?
Your camera.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.
They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.
The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
Why do Blondes never suffer from headaches?
No brain, no pain.
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
What’s the most emo country in the world?
Qatar.
Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?
She thought her grandma was trying to flex.