Y'know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back until I realized it is a family business.
When your crush walks in class, but you're homeschooled...
I have a joke about suicide, but I’ll just let it hang.
Why don't amputees ever get cold? They're always wearing their stump warmers.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She was born without arms.
What's the difference between a hipster and a hockey player? A hockey player changes his pads every third period.
If you think I would joke about Alzheimer's, forget it.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
Why do lesbians get their belly button pierced?
So they have a place to hang the air freshener.
Why do men fart louder than women?
Because women can’t keep their mouth shut to build up any pressure.
What is the first thing you would do if you woke up as a woman?
"Probably the dishes."
How do you stop a woman from choking?
Back up an inch.
How much semen can a gay man hold? A buttload.
What did one gay sperm say to the other? "You think we’ll find the egg and all this shit?"
A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."
What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits, bitch."
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools? A fruit stand.
What is the female version of t-bagging? A clam slapping.
Cops have the hardest job, they have to tell women they have the right to remain silent and know damn well, she will not have the ability