My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.
What a weird way to start a conversation!
If you give a dwarf 5-Hour Energy, will it become 10-hour Energy?
If you give a dwarf 5-Hour Energy, will it become 2.5-hour Energy?
I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes, but when I do, I like to keep them short.
What do you call a 90-year-old black man?
Antique farming equipment.
A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?
The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.
Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
Girl, are you a rope? Because I want to hang with you.
Girl, are you a rope? Because I want to hang with you.
Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?
Pretty nuts!
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, flags big plus.
Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing with the bent one.
Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?
How do you know a woman is blind?
Because she can’t see the kitchen or the laundry.
How do you know a woman is blind?
Because she can’t see the kitchen or the laundry.
What makes an ISIS joke funny?
The execution.