Royal

Signs my cousin is going places when he's older:

TEST QUESTION: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

He wrote: "At the bottom of the page."

Smart kid!

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq... They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

They laughed at my crayon drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.

I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What do Madeline McCann and a submarine have in common?

Both are at the bottom of the ocean full of seamen!

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Jessica, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

If Finding Nemo was scientifically correct, Marlin would have changed into a female and mated with Nemo.

If at first you don’t succeed... then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

A teacher is teaching a class algebra. Timmy, you've worked out it is AK, but what is 59 minus 12? Timmy shakes his head, not knowing. The teacher asks, "How about AK 49 minus 2?" Timmy replies with um... The teacher becomes frustrated and yells, "What comes after AK, Timmy!?" The white kid at the back stands, shouts 47, and pulls the trigger.

I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb, so I asked, "Are you an orphan?"

"Yes," he replied. "What gave me away?" He asked, "Your parents," I said.

Abortion is becoming more and more expensive these days. So visit Ammu-nation and pick up an Armsan RS-X1 tactical shotgun. It comes with a free box of ammo and a three year warranty. Buy now, pay later.

I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

Interviewer: What are your strengths?

Interviewee: I fall in love easily.

Interviewer: And your weaknesses?

Interviewee: Those beautiful green eyes of yours...

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?

Everywhere.

I started crying when Dad began to cut onions.

Onions was such a good dog.