TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple? My cousin: the other half.
Royal
a teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favourite football team is saying "raise you hand if it is Scunthorpe" every student but one raised their hand. the teacher asks "why don't you support Scunthorpe?" the child answers "my parents support Grimsby and so do I". the teacher comes back with "why are you copying your parents? what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" the child answers then i'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards"
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne Waits until you're 13 to come on your face
Your forehead goes back to when burger king was burger prince
Top tip; if your wife asks "what would you like to do to my body?" 'identify it' is the wrong answer
Famous last words of my uncle: (a bomb disposal expert) yes the red wire
Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes, set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Doctor: you'll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.
Why did the starwars movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? In charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "did you see that?" She says "yes", so the man shoots her. He leaves the bank and sees a couple, he asks "did you see that?" "No but my wife did!" The husband said.
Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?" The priest says, "Because I'm a father." Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards." The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
A plane is going to crash there are four passengers and only three parachutes. all the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first he says, my fans need me and jumps, Donald trump takes another and says I am the smartest president, jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute. The boy replies don't worry - Donald took my backpack.
“I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years.” “Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!” “No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him.”
Why is it you donate one kidney you're a hero but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
my worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.
Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan! -
Hardest part about being a paedophile? Fitting in.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
When a women removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye. But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...