Wade

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep. There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patient to sleep, so I unplug them.

How is slavery different from Pokémon? There’s different types of Pokémon

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!”

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says: 'Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears, says 'But doctor... I am Pagliacci.'

When and where was the biggest BBQ ever? Hiroshima, Japan 1946

What’s the difference between life and a rape joke? Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it’s not funny anymore.

What do you call four black people in a sleeping bag? A Kit Kat.

The gayest person on Earth is Pac-Man. You can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.

Why can’t orphans go on school trips? They need a parent signature.

People claim that Trump has Russian ties. That’s not true, just some crazy conspiracy theorists. All of Trump's ties are made in China.

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid, they were still breathing so I told them to walk it off.

What's the most played game in Africa? The Hunger Games.

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds", so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!“ The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!“ The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.“

Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.