You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."
"Where do young trees go to learn?"
"Elementree school."
"Why is Peter Pan always flying?"
"He never lands."
"Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas!"
What do my dad and nemo have in common? They both can’t be found
What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.