Worst Jokes Ever

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

There are more genders than there are cars in a Walmart parking lot.

How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

The big hand is on the little hand!

Boi, you're the reason the Great Wall of China is a thing. You're so ugly the Chinese needed to block you out!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"

Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff?

Yea, they found her “head and shoulders“ on the backseat of her car.

Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.

Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.

Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.

Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.

Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

What goes in and takes a while to come out?

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”

Hubble just spotted something huge coming out of Uranus.

Who is chicken's favorite actor?

James Cor-hen!

Uh oh, stinky!

Why did the poop cross the street? Because it was trying to get in the toilet.

How do chickens 🐔 get stronger and stronger?

They egg-xercise every day!

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."

But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Depresso expresso.

JK, bleach.

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOF!"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your parents!"