Twos jokes

Why can't two Asians have a white kid?

Because two wongs don't make a white.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: "You mathematicians don't know your limits."

Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.

What is the order of finish?

1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.

2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.

3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

What do you call two gay Irishmen?

Patrick Fitz Gerald, and Gerald Fitz Patrick.

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

And microtransaction.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.

When two wheelchairs hit each other, is it a fender bender?

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"

What instrument do a pair of sheep play? The two-baaaa.

What’s the German word for BRA? Keep two from floppin'.

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.

Yo mama so fat that she needs two watches for two different time zones.

Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?

A: Because it was too tired!! 😴😴😴

Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"