Twos jokes

Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Cause they already lost two towers.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?

Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."

Why can't two Asians make a white kid?

Because two wongs don't make a white.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.

Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired).

Why are Americans bad chess players?

They lost two towers.

The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Two pedophiles talking to each other:

"Do you got two fives for one ten?"

Yo mama like a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everybody’s pants.

My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two, but now it's just a sensitive subject.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them.

Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!

What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."