Twos jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."

What has an N, an I, two Gs, an E, and an R?

Ginger! You racist fuc-

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction.

Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bartender here?"

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?

If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.

A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two Wrights make?

The first airplane.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on juan.

What do you call two Mexicans fighting? Juan on Juan.

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"

Your mom's so fat that One Punch Man had to take two punches.

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

No?

They both got six months.